Let's be practically honest with ourselves.

Right now, I'm sitting down, typing this, with Munimuni's "Solomon" playing in the background. I had the time to reflect on each and every post I've written here over the past two to three years, and frankly, a lot of things have changed.

No, I don't mean anything about getting a girlfriend, I could not even settle with a main crush for crying out loud. I have a lot of small crushes, however.

Now, let's get to shitposting. Just a few hours ago, I admitted to having my own blog, my dreams and aspirations of owning a company (or at least, working in a big one), and flexing my skills. Heck, the word 'flex' never really meant much for me until a couple of years ago, when people had to brag about the things (or people) they have in their life when frankly, not everyone has. What could I do? Of course, I got nothing to do with that, I couldn't even flex something off social media, given that the internet is a horrible place to share ideas knowing that it is also a place where toxicity is like a fire stretching down the most filled forest under the radiant sun. A raging fire, per se.

The next song now played, "Sa Hindi Pag-alala" by the same artist. Now I got to type the saddest shit that has happened with me this month, or heck, even the past few months. The most recent shitty thing that happened this week was the passing of a great guy, Kobe Bryant. Passed away early morning last Monday. I woke up to the news of it a few hours later, and still, it hasn't sunken into me. It feels like it cannot be real, but hey, some lives just get along quickly. May he rest in peace, and hopefully those involved in that accident, as well. The past few days, the spreading of the once-again-alive Coronavirus has begun and has caused a lot of anxiety to everyone whatsoever. This month is becoming a huge nightmare than it already is, and I pray that it doesn't go that way. Australia was on fire as well, and they're in need of relief, too. Man, the world stresses me out, when could things ever go right?

But hey, let's check the bright side. At least just once.

My crush-turned-close-best-friend (no I'm not sad about it, I'm over it) finally got a girlfriend, again!  I'm really happy for her, knowing that she's able to take care of her whether she's present thru chat or even thru face-to-face. Not gonna lie, I'm really happy that she's able to settle with someone who cares for her as much as she does (aw sad). Hopefully one day, I get that same experience, when I'm ready.

Also, my best-friend-turned-friend has finally settled with more best friends! Haha I'm really happy that someone would finally be there to cry on when she needs to, without having the need to chat or call about her problems. I'm really hoping that she's doing well, despite her busy acads life and well, her sober life. She's got her problems, but I'm sure her new best friends have been able to keep herself composed, and of course, happy! We have yet to meet again, somehow, somewhere, in the near future. I'm looking forward to it!

Now I know what you're thinking, how come those things I've mentioned became bright, despite me being unable to secure something for myself?

You know, I've been thinking the same thing. How come have I managed to be happy for someone special to me when I couldn't even manage to be happy on my own?

This is where I'll be honest with myself.

I don't really care if I end up putting myself the benefit of the doubt or even the last piece of the cake if that's the analogy you want me to put up. I'm not going to lie, I do want to be happy because of what I have, not because someone else I didn't have anything to do with made me feel so. That's what I want to feel -- genuine happiness.

I remember a tweet from one of my truest friends, Luis, while I tried to mock him in the replies. Little did I know, that made me think of how my life could have been different if I thought of what he truly meant. I remember every single word of the tweet: "I want to meet someone genuine", and my stupid, child-like commented, "wow unique". I wasn't sure of what he said, not even what I said.

Now, the song on the speakers right now is "Di Makatulog", by SUD. This song made me think a lot during twelfth grade when my once-used-to-be-crush would be on my mind every time before I go to bed. Sometimes I end up crying, or sometimes, I just write her a message and just send it out of my emotions. It was pretty pointless for me to do those things, those just ended up being thrown away, or even being put to the wrong intention. All those times I've been thinking throughout the night, I could have been wasted away thinking of how tomorrow would be if I were to become better than who I am yesterday, or even be finally genuinely happy, as I aspire to be.

How would I be able to satisfy my own happiness when I could usually only find it through others?

That's actually a question that I have yet to answer. I have lots of things to discover, knowing that I'm an ongoing freshman who has practically survived the first semester through a squeeze, and with lots more shit to come up right after. I just wish myself the best when I keep going. After this, I'm going to finally settle for myself, anyway, and be able to give back to my parents and my grandmothers who raised me to be the man I am today.

Maybe, when that day comes, that's when I find my genuine happiness.

On to the next, see you soon!

David

UPLB Batch 2019

2019-01482